Now you know...

Thursday, January 11, 2007

I hate waiting

Where should I start? I won a $15,000 scholarship.. And with that scholarship I've come to the realisation that I really am going to the US next year. June '08 all going well. And the thought both excites and scares me. I'm actually going to meet Joe! Things with Joe have been pretty good lately too. Altogether that makes me really wish I was with him RIGHT NOW! He has no idea how much I want to be with him.
I'm not entirely sure where we really stand either. I mean.. We're obviously not in an "online relationship" as such... So he's obviously still kinda looking for someone there.. Hopefully he doesn't find anyone in the next year because that will mess up all my plans. I've thought of taking off for the US for a few weeks in June of this year.. Just to find out one way or another but then if things with Joe don't go well it'll mess up my year and I really can't afford to do that. On the other hand.. If things go well, I'm gonna be completely distracted. So... I'm going to have to wait. I hate waiting.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Welcome to 2007

Well, 2007 started without too much excitement. Did some filing and invoicing work for dad up until midnight, had a glass of bubbly at midnight, watched some fireworks from the deck and then talked to mum and dad about upcoming work and plans for the business. Then I went to bed at around 2am. Like I said, nothing exciting.

So what will 2007 hold? Probably about the same as 2006. Minus the classes and exams. By the middle of the year I'll have to start writing my thesis. HopefullyI'll be able to balance lab work and seminars with demonstrating for two lab streams, notetaking and some exam/test supervision. At least then I'll be able to (hopefully) save some money. I'm really hoping to win that scholarship but given that I haven't heard anything it's probably not going to happen. The rejection letter is probably sitting in the letterbox in Palmerston North. Nevermind. I should still be able to save enough for my trip to the US in 2008.. If that still goes ahead. Hopefully Joe doesn't suddenly change his mind again right before I want to book my ticket.

I sent off the proposal that I wrote for the Child Cancer Foundation several months ago. Well no, it's in an envelope ready to go in the mail after New Years. I'm having a hard time sticking to science at the moment (read an earlier post to see just why I'm disliking science).. I'd really like to do something to make the world a better place.. But I don't have the time, creativity or money to do so. So right now I'm stuck with science and we'll have to wait and see what life brings..

Saturday, November 11, 2006

To Mo - my best friend



So, it's been a while since I posted here.. I'm a slacker I know. Two weeks out from exams I managed to get sick. Turned out not to be glandular fever thank goodness but still knocked me flat for a good week. Even when the painkillers and panadol etc were keeping the sore throat and fever down I just felt like my head was full of cotton wool.. Plus I kept wanting to fall asleep. So I had to sacrifice two topics and lose all choice on which questions I'll answer in the exams. Well, my first exam went fairly well even if my essays seemed somewhat incoherent to me.. There's only so much sense you can make when you have to write a WHOLE lot in an hour. Unfortunately I can already see that if I could have studied the fourth topic for the second exam I would have been able to get some more marks.. Hopefully the impaired performance application will be accepted, and the last exam goes better.

On to more important things. My beautiful Mo died on Monday.. Less than a week ago yet it feels like forever ago. She started to get really weak last Wednesday, going from being able to jump onto the table and bench to not even being able to get onto my bed. Mum, dad and Jeroen argued about it and decided not to tell me until after my first exam on Saturday morning. So I merrily went out to Linton to pick Jeroen up (completely oblivious) straight after my exam thinking we were going shopping, and he came out with his bags and said we were off to Auckland. I seriously didn't believe him that Mo was sick and ask 3 or 4 times if he was serious. Even texted mum to make sure. So we stopped at my house for some clothes and took off to Auckland. I'll admit I cried several times during the start of the trip and then decided to drive to keep my mind off it. I'll be forever grateful to Jeroen for making it possible for me to say goodbye to Mo.. I'd be even more of a mess if I hadn't had the opportunity to spend Saturday night lying on the floor with her, patting her, cuddling her and telling her I loved her. We had her cremated. When I die I want my ashes to be scattered somewhere beautiful and secluded along with hers.

I know some people will be thinking "she's just a cat" but to me she was so much more than a cat. She was my best friend for almost 18 years, and will always be my best friend. I don't remember much (or anything) of my life before Mo. She used to follow me to school in the morning, and wait at the gate for me in the afternoon. She followed me down to the bottom of the hill every morning when I had to feed the birds, mice, rabbits and chooks - even when it rained. Then I usually carried her back up the hill. One time we gave her a bath to try to get rid of her fleas, and she promptly ran away from home. We could see her wondering down the road at the bottom of the property, just a little dark speck on the road. I spent ages yelling out to her to come home.. And eventually she listened and came wondering back up the hill. Of course I met her half way, and carried her back up. Then I didn't let her out of my sight for a long time.
There were the times she brought home birds or baby rabbits and I put her in the cupboard to "tell her off." I always felt guilty within a minute or closing the door, but when I opened the cupboard door she was happily asleep on a pile of clothes. It didn't bother her. Then there was the time was had a bunch of baby rabbits (called kittens funnily enough) and we had her lying on a chair with all the little rabbits cuddled up to her. We kept a close eye on her but she just licked them then lay there purring. That's my Mo - the most amazing cat there ever was.
More than that, Mo could tell when I was sad or upset or just needed company. She would climb on my lap and just purr. Sometimes for hours. She slept in my bed. She listened to my secrets. And she helped me through some of the hardest times of my life - namely when everything with my eye happened.
Going away to uni for so hard for me, because I knew I wouldn't see Mo for long period of time.. How do you explain to a cat - your best friend - that you'll be back and you still love them so much? I tried, but I don't think it worked so well. The first time I came home from uni in first year she was so mad at me. Any time I tried to pat her or pick her up she would hiss and hum at me, her tail wagging. Eventually I persuaded her to let me pick her up and things were good until I left again. She sulked for a few days after I left - and she still sulked after I left right up until the very last trip home.. My trip home to say good bye. She was simply too weak - her body didn't do what she wanted it to anymore. It was so painful to see her like that. I realised she hadn't really purred for a few weeks, so she must have been in more pain than she was willing to let on. My poor Mo. Saying good bye was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It hurts the most at night... And I know when I go home next it's going to hit me even harder, because she won't be there anymore. I'm dreading going home. I don't know if Mo realised it, but she was the major motivator for me to go home as often as possible - I can catch up with mum and dad online or on the phone. I can tell them I love them. But I can't tell Mo that over the phone - even though I tried on every occassion when I called home. Mo just didn't quite understand the concept of telephones.

It was good to read some of the comments on various pet lover/memorial message boards. I'm not insane to be devastated about Mo. And my idea of having my ashes scattered with Mos isn't insane either - there are plenty of other people getting their pets cremated, and who plan to have their ashes scattered together.

So I'm pretty devastated at the moment.. Although I try to keep that to myself because most people just think "she's just a cat, get over it."

It's not goodbye Mo - it's "see you later."

Monday, October 02, 2006

Torn

So here I am, over 1/3 of the way through my MSc in biochemistry, and I'm starting to question what the hell I'm doing. I mean, I read some of these papers and just think "wow, that's amazing." Some of the experiments that are being done really are awesome - we're learning more and more about how the cells in our body work. How proteins essentailly do all these incredible things. And in learning how things work, we're learning how to fix things when they're broken. We're getting closer to cures, or at least better, more effective treatments for cancer, HIV/AIDS, Alzheimers. And I'm left asking WHY? Why are we trying to find cures for these diseases when people aren't able to do anything worthwhile with the time they have? Why give people more time to sit in their relatively comfortable homes and do nothing about the terrible things going on in the world today? Or worse still, support the people, or ARE the people who do these horrible things? If I discovered the cure for cancer, and George W. Bush suddenly had cancer I sure as hell would keep the cure to myself. I'd bury it somewhere we he most definately would not benefit from it. And why are we looking for the cure for HIV/AIDS? Most certainly the greatest need for treatment is in the "Third World." Yet if a cure was ever found, it would essentially be sold to the highest bidder - no doubt a huge American corporation with no agenda except to make money, and lots of it. Take the case of the company with the patent for the anti-viral helping HIV patients. The South African government said that since they absolutely could not afford to buy the drug (and the company absolutely refused to reduce the price) they would instead make it themselves. This company with billions upon billions of dollars actually took the Government to court to prevent them doing so. Of course, they won because legally they did own the patent. But what kind of world do we live in? People are putting profit (in this case money that no one who benefited actually NEEDS) above the lives of millions of people.

I'd like to say that if I ever found such a cure, I'd patent it and let all who need it use it (with the exception of large American companies of course). In reality, if I was to find such a cure it'd be while working in a university or for another company. And again.. It'd be owned by whoever paid me, and would quickly go to the highest bidder. So why am I wasting my time with science?

As for forensics.. I've all but lost any faith I had in the justice system. Getting evidence together and finding that it's pointless because people are (a) too stupid to understand it or (b) prefer to believe whatever the media feeds them. It'll simply be frustrating.

America also seems far too dangerous a place for me to be be.. Not only because I hate George Bush (and the average American who is stupid enough to believe everything he says) but also because I have a Biochem degree. Just read what's written below from 911blogger.com... Oh and, no-one is safe - not even Americans.

Torture Bill States Non-Allegiance To Bush Is Terrorism
Legislation tolls the bell for the day America died, birth of the dictatorship

Paul Joseph Watson & Alex Jones/Prison Planet.com | September 29 2006

Buried amongst the untold affronts to the Bill of Rights, the Constitution and the very spirit of America, the torture bill contains a definition of "wrongfully aiding the enemy" which labels all American citizens who breach their "allegiance" to President Bush and the actions of his government as terrorists subject to possible arrest, torture and conviction in front of a military tribunal.

7:25PM CST UPDATE

After five hours of searching through the 80-plus page bill, Alex Jones, who won the 2004 Project Censored award for his analysis of Patriot Act 2, uncovered numerous other provisions and definitions that make the bill appear as almost a mirror image of Hitler's 1933 Enabling Act.

In section 950j. the bill criminalizes any challenge to the legislation's legality by the Supreme Court or any United States court. Alberto Gonzales has already threatened federal judges to shut up and not question Bush's authority on the torture of detainees.

"No court, justice, or judge shall have jurisdiction to hear or consider any claim or cause of action whatsoever, including any action pending on or filed after the date of the enactment of the Military Commissions Act of 2006, relating to the prosecution, trial, or judgment of a military commission under this chapter, including challenges to the lawfulness of procedures of military commissions under this chapter."

The Bush administration is preemptively overriding any challenge to the legislation by the Supreme Court.

The definition of torture that the legislation cites is US code title 18 section 2340. This is a broad definition of torture and completely lacks the specific clarity of the Geneva Conventions. This definition allows the use of torture that is, "incidental to lawful sanctions." In alliance with the bill's blanket authority for President Bush to define the Geneva Conventions as he sees fit, this legislates the use of torture.

The media has spun the bill as if it outlaws torture - it only outlaws torture for "enemy combatants," and in fact outlaws the retaliation of any military against the United States as "murder." Those deemed "enemy combatants" are not even allowed to fight back yet the government affords itself every power including the go-ahead to torture.

Further actions that result in the classification of an individual as a terrorist include the following.

- Destruction of any property, which is deemed punishable by any means of the military tribunal's choosing.

- Any violent activity whatsoever if it takes place near a designated protected building, such as a charity building.

- A change of the definition of "pillaging" which turns all illegal occupation of property and all theft into terrorism. This makes squatters and petty thieves enemy combatants.

In light of Greg Palast's recent hounding by Homeland Security, after they accused him of potentially giving terrorists key information about U.S. "critical infrastructure" when filming Exxon’s Baton Rouge refinery (clear photos of which were publicly available on Google Maps), sub-section 27 of section 950v. should send chills down the spine of all investigative journalists and even news-gatherers.

"Any person subject to this chapter who with intent or reason to believe that it is to be used to the injury of the United States or to the advantage of a foreign power, collects or attempts to collect information by clandestine means or while acting under false pretenses, for the purpose of conveying such information to an enemy of the United States, or one of the co-belligerents of the enemy, shall be punished by death or such other punishment as a military commission under this chapter may direct."

Subsection 4(b) (26) of section 950v. of HR 6166 - Crimes triable by military commissions - includes the following definition.

"Any person subject to this chapter who, in breach of an allegiance or duty to the United States, knowingly and intentionally aids an enemy of the United States, or one of the co-belligerents of the enemy, shall be punished as a military commission under this chapter may direct."

For an individual to hold an allegiance or duty to the United States they need to be a citizen of the United States. Why would a foreign terrorist have any allegiance to the United States to breach in the first place?

This is another telltale facet that proves the bill applies to U.S. citizens and includes them under the "enemy combatant" designation. We previously cited the comments of Yale law Professor Bruce Ackerman, who wrote in the L.A. Times, "The compromise legislation....authorizes the president to seize American citizens as enemy combatants, even if they have never left the United States. And once thrown into military prison, they cannot expect a trial by their peers or any other of the normal protections of the Bill of Rights."

The New York Times stated that the legislation introduced, "A dangerously broad definition of “illegal enemy combatant” in the bill could subject legal residents of the United States, as well as foreign citizens living in their own countries, to summary arrest and indefinite detention with no hope of appeal. The president could give the power to apply this label to anyone he wanted."

Calling the bill "our generation’s version of the Alien and Sedition Acts," the Times goes on to highlight the rubber stamping of torture.

"Coerced evidence would be permissible if a judge considered it reliable — already a contradiction in terms — and relevant. Coercion is defined in a way that exempts anything done before the passage of the 2005 Detainee Treatment Act, and anything else Mr. Bush chooses."

Since with this bill, in the aggregate, Bush has declared himself to be above the Constitution and the laws of the United States, the allegiance of American citizens is no longer to the flag or the freedoms for which it stands, but to Bush himself, the self-appointed dictator, and any diversion from that allegiance will mandate arrest, torture and conviction in a military tribunal under the terms of this bill.

Similar to the UK's Glorification of Terrorism law, which top lawyers have slammed as vague, open to interpretation and a potential weapon for the government to kidnap supposed subversives, the nebulous context of "wrongfully aiding the enemy," could easily be defined to include publicly absolving an accused terrorist of involvement in a terrorist attack.

That renders the entire 9/11 truth movement an aid to terrorist suspects and subject to military tribunal and torture. In addition, Bush's recently cited National Strategy for Combating Terrorism, which is available on the White House website, labels conspiracy theorists as terrorist recruiters.

This should leave us with no doubt as to which parties are the target of the government's torture and intimidation campaign.

Could protesting a war approved by the government and their bootlickers in Congress and the Senate be considered breaching an allegiance to the United States? Could campaigning against the bombing of a target country be considered wrongfully aiding the enemy?

When the USA PATRIOT act was rushed through at the height of an anthrax scare without any members of Congress even having time to read it, we were assured that it was to fight terrorists and would not be used against the American people.

Since then a plethora of cases whereby the USA PATRIOT act was used against U.S. citizens emerged, including the internment without trial for over three years of Jose Padilla, an American citizen who was finally released after no evidence of terrorism was uncovered.

The so-called "compromise" before the bill was passed and the media acclaim of John McCain as some kind of human rights champion is one of the biggest con jobs ever inflicted upon the American people.

Shortly after the bill was finalized it was spun by Bush security advisor Stephen Hadley as "good news and a good day for the American people." McCain said that it safeguarded "the integrity and letter and spirit of the Geneva Conventions."

In truth the legislation does the exact opposite, giving Bush carte blanche to "interpret the meaning and application of the Geneva Conventions."

In addition, under the bill, "No person may invoke the Geneva Conventions or any protocols thereto in any habeas corpus or other civil action or proceeding to which the United States, or a current or former officer, employee, member of the Armed Forces, or other agent of the United States is a party as a source of rights in any court of the United States or its States or territories."

The bill also allows hearsay evidence (obtained via phony confessions after torture) to be considered by the military tribunal and bars the suspect from even having knowledge of the charges against him - making a case for defense impossible. This is guaranteed to produce 100% conviction rates as you would expect in the dictatorships of Uzbekistan or Zimbabwe and other torture protagonists who are in many cases allied with the Bush administration and provide phony confessions obtained from torture that allow the U.S. government to scare its people with the threat of imaginary Al-Qaeda terror cells waiting to kill them.

Following the Supreme Court's ruling to previously strike down Bush's shadow penal system, Alberto Gonzales is already out threatening federal judges to shut up and get behind the dictator or face the consequences.

Gonzales has the sheer gall to attack judges for even considering to "overturn long-standing traditions or policies without proper support in text or precedent," which is exactly what Gonzales, Bush and the rest of the White House criminals are doing themselves by de facto abolishing the Bill of Rights!

This is a dark day for the United States, the day America died and the bastard birth of a literal dictatorship.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

I'd like to think..

I'd like to think that if we were confronted with another "Hitler" the world today, and the people in it, would quickly prevent them acheiving the sort of power Hitler had. I'd also like to think individual people would not simply bury their heads in the sand and pretend nothing was going on - that no individual would stand buy and let the sort of things that happened under Hitlers command happen again. That no one would actually carry out the sorts of things that happened back then. Unfortunately, I think this generation is already facing their "Hitler" in George W. Bush. And given the response of the world, and individual people in it, we're not doing any better than people did back then.

Why do I say that? For a number of reasons..
1. He invaded both Afghanistan and Iraq, ignoring international laws, and common decency. During these invasions, countless innocent people lost their lives, their homes, and what little they owned. Simply for living in a country that George W. Bush wants for its oil.

2. When hurricane Katrina hit, George W. Bush was given plenty of warning. Did he help the poorer black people living in its path get out of it? No. Did he even attempt to send the army in to help these people out? No. After it was over, did he help these people rebuild what little they had? No. Did he help the more "affluent" white areas re-build? Absolutely.

3. He has allowed an unknown number of people, including children as young as 14, be dragged away from their families, locked up away from the eyes of the world and the Red Cross, without representation or a fair trial (and I'm fairly certain without any real evidence against any of these prisoners) for many years. I'm convinced most of them are locked up simply for their religion or the colour of their skin. He now wants to put them on "trial" but doesn't want them to be present at their own trial. How is that supposed to be a fair trial? And how are they supposed to defend themselves when the can't even hear what's said against them? Besides, Bush has painted them as guilty in the media anyway, so it's not like they'll get a real trial anyway.

And how have the world responded? By doing absolutely nothing.

1. When he invaded Afghanistan, the world stood by and let him. Some contries even stood up and helped him. When George W. Bush wanted to look for weapons of mass destruction based on evidence that was "too classified" for anyone else to see, the world said "sure George, we'll help you out." When that evidence later turned out to either not exist or consist of falsified documents, the world said "no worries George, we all make mistakes." The invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq were both illegal by international law. But that's right, America didn't sign on to that so unfortunately it doesn't apply to them. So.. George Bush can push for Saddam Hussein to be put on trial for war crimes, but he himself can not? And the world just stands by...

2. George W. Bush is changing laws and giving himself and a bunch of other people the power to basically invade people's privacy. He's having people arrested on charges of terrorism, based on things that are as silly as someone making an "anti-America" comment. He's changed the law to allow people to be held without representation for much longer.

3. George W. Bush has admitted that torture techniques, such as pushing a wet rag down a person's throat, have been used on prisoners. And what does the world do? Push it under the rug, and bury their head in the sand.

4. Americans actually believe that what is published in their newspapers is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. They truly believe that by charging into other countries and blowing everything and everyone up they're safer than they were before September 11. Like the Germans, the Americans also seem to believe that it is the patriotic thing to do to believe George W. Bush and his "foreign policy." Anything less and they would no longer be a true American.

I could go on for hours, but it's 2am and I need sleep. I'll save the rest for another day.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Time for an update..

Right so.. The other day. as I was driving to uni.. Someone drove straight through a bunch of ducklings crossing the road. Two were dead, one had a broken leg and was lying on it's back in the middle of the road and the rest didn't know which way to run and were scattered across the road. The poor mother duck was desperately trying to get the little duckling with the broken leg off the road and the rest under control. So I helped get the others off the road and took the injured duckling to the vet. Once I got to uni I just had to cry a bit. I mean, what kind of person does that?

Anyway.. I went back to the vet after class and apparently it had died. I can't help but wonder if they just put it down because they didn't think it was worth "wasting" their time and money on a duckling. I tried.. But I can't help but wonder if it had been different if I had said I'd pay for it to be treated.. Needless to say Friday wasn't a particularly good day for me.

Jeroen and Jess are back together.. Which I find somewhat depressing since she's just a lying cheat. Oh well, he's made his bed.. He can lie in it. If she cheats on him and lies to him again that's his problem... I just hope she doesn't succeed in getting him to quit the army.

Joe's having problems with Heather too.. And people wonder why I steer clear of relationships? He came online tonight, and then went off to call Missy. And for some stupid reason I felt just a tiny bit jealous.. I thought I was over that, but apparently not. I wonder if he'll seriously consider coming to NZ if they break up...

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Too many distractions!

I have no idea how I'm going to manage to focus on studying for exams with all these distractions! For some strange reason I'm still hung up on Wentworth Miller even though I have no hope of ever even meeting him. Oh well, dreams are free I guess.

I missed out on a ride back to Auckland with Lex too.. Since he isn't coming back until Monday, and of course I have to work on Monday morning. By the time mum had convinced me to be "sick" on Monday it was too late. Nevermind.. Maybe he'll go back again next weekend.

Unfotunately Jeroen and Jess seem to be back together.. Or if they're not, they're sleeping together again. Hopefully she doesn't get pregnant.. She's not welcome here anymore. And mum and dad don't want her at their place either. But Jeroen just gets mad at us for that... What does he want us to do? Be happy for him, because he's with a girl who lies about him to his so-called friends, who lies to him about "farewell" dinners that he's not invited to but her "ex" is invited to, and who more than likely has cheated on him several times??? Suuuure... Nope sorry that's just not going to happen.

I'm also rather confused about where I want my life to go.. I mean.. Certainly forensics is still at the top, or near the top, of the list.. But I'd like to actually make a difference too. Both through research (i.e. cancer research) and through something like volunteering overseas. At the same time I want to catch the "bad guys".. Somewhere in there I'd like to make a bit of money so I can look at buying a house, starting a family and I suppose pay off my student loan.. However, I don't have the confidence in myself and my abilities to really get anywhere.. I'm terrified of rejection so I can't stand the thought of job interviews.

Nevermind, for now I need to focus on exams and class work. After that it's my research. And then writing my thesis. Once those are crossed off my list, it'll be February 2008.